Poems of the Month: March & May

I put my hand on your torso,
to steady myself. 
You nudged your tongue Against my clenched teeth. 

I tried to pull my head back, To melt away,but I was met by pillow. 
You squeezed my body like it was yours. 
But I said yes, so this is fun…Right?

With your mouth on mine, you put one hand on my bare chest. 
The other you used to slide my underwear down. 
I wanted it to stop. 
I wanted you to stop
But I stayed silent. 

You asked if your fingers were working,
They weren’t. And it hurt. 
I said no, but it’s not your fault. 
I told you my body is fucked up,
And you are not to blame. 
It’s me. 

You looked down at my body under the sheet. 
At the scars and cuts on my wrist. 
On my chest. 
On my legs. 
And you said nothing. 
You could’ve made me feel beautiful.  
like more than just a vessel, for your pleasure,
This prison of flesh and electricity
in which my void of existence is ensnared. 
You could have helped me escape, 
Leave this cage in which I’m held,

This cage of lost hope and longing, 
Instead your eyes danced lazily across my body,
waiting for the next move,
And your silence cut deeper than I ever had

You put my hand,
On your body
And clenched my hand around you
Moving it back and forth. 
I was wet with you. 
My body stained with you,
I wanted to push you away,
But you held me there,

You asked if I was okay. 
I looked up at you. 
And lied
‘I’m fine’

There is a musical term
Fine. 
Spelled F. I. N. E. 
It means end. 
Fine marks the end of a piece.
Maybe when I told you I was fine. 
I meant fine. 
Ready for the end. 

In between thrusts I told you it hurt. 
You didn’t stop. It felt good for you. 
I was bleeding. 
You hurt me.
I wanted to leave. 
No, wait. 
I thought I wanted this.

When you were finished with me
you didn’t move,
You waited for me to get off. 
This is fine,
It’s what I wanted? Right?
Tears slipped down my cheeks driving home,
The salt mingled with the shower,
as I tried to scrub you away. 

Your tight grip, 
your rough touch, 
your tasteless kiss. 
All of it. 
But it didn’t go. 
I felt numb. 

I sat there, 
With skin raw from washing you away
And watched blood that you caused, 
drip from between my legs, 
But I really thought this was what I wanted. 

Later you texted me. 
Asking if it was good. 
I said no
It made me bleed and you hurt me. 

I was scared,
But like Nike I said, ‘Just Do It,’
I wish I said no,
But I didn’t. 

Now every time I think of you
A cold hand clenches my shoulder 
and sends shivers down my spine
The air around me disappears
And I’m left choking for breath. 
Every time I see myself. 
I see you looking down on me.
At my scars. 
At my body. 
And over and over, 
you show me the hopeless mess I’ve become. 

That day I was scared. 
I was lost. 
I was alone. 
I wish I said no. 
But I didn’t,
so here we are